Today I've learned

That I'm definitely a DBV. In fact I think I'm a chronic DBV. No change that I know I'm a chronic DBV.

What's a DBV. Well it's not up to me to totally enlighten you but if you want to more about it go to http://www.writersbureau.com/blog/writing-inspiratio/2011/07/ where Simon Whaley can totally enlighten you.

But me, yes definitely distracted by views (DBV) which stops me from writing. Okay maybe I can be forgiven because of where I live - right in the heart of the Clun Valley which has been designated as an area of outstanding natural beauty. Clunbury Hill to the front of the house and the Clun Valley to the back of it. But to be honest that's an excuse. There are many and varied reasons why I haven't been writing lately but the views certainly aren't one of them.

It doesn't matter what's outside your window,  it's what is in your head that needs to come out and until you sit down and write you'll always be distracted by the view. Every morning you make your bed, you wash up, you don't do that by choice, you do that because you have to. Writing's the same - you have too, regardless of what's outside.

The other thing I learned today which to me is more important (and that's no disrespect to Simon) is that we need to be totally aware of everything that is going on around us. Sights, smells, sounds and we can never take anything for granted. For me, after a visit to the audio guy today I know that sound will soon be a thing of the past.

Okay you can call this dumping shit and maybe it is. But ever since I discovered I had a love and a gift of playing music, sound has always been important to me. Hey I was the one that could tune an instrument from 50 yards. The very thought of not hearing bird song, not being able to listen to a concert, not being able to listen and have a chat with my friends - scares the hell out of me.

It's been a tough couple of weeks or so and I'm tired of going to bed and still being a wake as the dawn chorus starts - if I'm in the same place tomorrow, I will embrace that sound. Things play on your mind, people you love, you worry about and although you know there's nothing you can do, it doesn't stop you worrying.

To be honest I don't know where my head is at the moment. I do know that for over forty years the biggest fear I've ever had is losing my hearing. I've often said, I'd rather lose my sight than that.  I still stand by that so today's news went down like a lead balloon.

The loss of hearing in the past few years is quite dramatic and if my lot don't start producing grandchildren soon, I will never hear their voices.

Sorry this is pure indulgence but I don't mind admitting that I'm frightened. I know a certain amount about isolation but not the isolation that comes from being locked out from the world.

This is one of those posts I need just to voice how I feel. If you think I'm making a mountain out of a molehole I'm sorry and if I've offended you again I'm sorry. But for me, it's another loss, a very important loss after everything else and I need to grieve that loss.