Homelessness

That's how I feel - homeless.

Back in June 2007 this happened.

Yes the house in the lake or rather the river was mine. I don't think anything prepares you for an event like that.  I'd seen the river burst his banks before but it had done what it was supposed to do and that was flow onto the flood planes. June 26 2007 things were different. They'd been logging further up the river and with the extraordinary amount of water, the logs were carried down the river and blocked the culverts and the river rose and kept rising.

Some of you will remember the dreadful scene in Ludlow when the Pearces' house collapsed and for months their bed was hanging in full view of everyone coming into the town.

We literally abandoned the house and found a room in the local travelodge but the next morning I went back to face it on my own. This is what greeted me and I know I look awful but I hadn't slept and I was devastated.

Brief interview with the Shropshire Star


That was the beginning of a ten week period of homelessness for my family. We drifted around, sometimes not knowing where we were going to sleep that but for six weeks we lived in a flea infested hostel owned by the local housing association. It was an absolute nightmare.

Finally we did get a home but even though I still 'live' in that home, my family have had to move out and me, well I'm waiting to be rehoused in somewhere where hopefully I'll be safe.

At the moment I feel exactly how I felt when I lived in that hostel. A roof over my head but it wasn't a home. Here, well I live downstairs. Where my dining table used to be my bed is now. Yes it's a lot better than the shed I slept in over the winter because the stairs are too dangerous but, despite promises made - I'm still here.

I know I'm lucky because compared to those who literally have no roof over their heads I don't have anything to complain about but you know, homelessness is more than a lack of a roof - it's also a state of mind.

Plus it's brought back some many horrible memories that I had put behind me.

Hopefully though soon, this situation will be resolved and then finally I can get on with my life.

The body betrays the mind

I've just read Julie's Quest latest post and in it she talks about the inspiration she got from Patrick Moore. I had a dear friend who has passed away and she was a neighbour of Patrick Moore. She would comment that as he was getting older he was finding life more difficult but the one thing he's never lost was the sparkle in his eye and his enthusiasm for the skies.

It's like Professor Stephen Hawking, if you didn't know who he was, you'd write him off - why?

Because the body can betray the mind and sometimes does.

As a wheelchair user I've been in the situation where I've asked questions and the answers have been given to the person who has been pushing me. Ermmm - hello I'm down here!

Please don't judge people by your perception of them - whatever our problems are we're all equal.

And probably the best and funniest thing I've had said to me - it was a few years back and I was talking to a lady on the phone. She had problems walking but what really made me laugh was when she said 'you don't sound as if you're in a wheelchair.'

And if you want further proof that us 'disabled' or the word I grew up with was 'crippled' lead normal lives then read 'Never Say Die' by Melaine Davies and Lynne Barrett-Lee 

There but for the grace of God go all of us.

Sincere apologies or me and my big gob

I owe Furrows of Telford sincere apologies for the comments I made about them in my last post.

They had my car back and it was inspected by my insurance company who said that the problems with my car are down to Hyundai and not Furrows of Telford.

So basically my car is a lemon!

It is not yet three years old and already the gearbox has been replaced by Hyundai, the engine is burning a litre of oil every thousand miles and the car has only done just over thirty thousand miles. Hyundai think this is acceptable but no one else does. There are other bits and pieces (hey I only drive the damn thing) that are faulty and despite the assurance Hyundai give regarding their warranty, trying to get anything done is nigh on impossible.

So yes, Furrows of Telford I am very sorry for jumping to conclusions, according to my Insurance Company you've done a good job. So, for me, well I can't wait to get rid of the damn car and God help the person who buys it.

As for the next vehicle, I'm thinking French

Oh - la - la

What a week and totally grounded!

That about sums this week up.

On Wednesday my car went in for its annual service to be told the brakes were dangerous and they weren't going to release it. Fortunately after a four hour wait they did manage to get the parts. Then I was told that it had to go back to Furrows in Telford because despite the car going back following accident damage, they still hadn't repaired the car properly. This is now the second it's been returned them following the initial repair.

Furrows agreed to lending me a courtesy car but it turns out I can't drive it because my photo driving licence is out of date. However, unlike the rest of the driving population in the UK I can not apply for a replacement because thanks to my ex (yes the peadophile in Albrighton) the DVLA have yet to decide (after a year) whether or not I'm fit to drive. I know it's him because he's done it before.

DVLA have had confirmation off both my consultant and my doctors that I am fit to drive but they have to decide themselves, without ever meeting me and of course they are behind. My case was referred to them on 22 April 2012, after months of clerical people mucking about and the doctors are still working on cases dating from February.

So, according to DVLA I can drive my own car but I can not drive the courtesy car and until I get my car back (which will be when - I don't know) I have to rely on my sons to drive me. Which is great when it's a ten mile round trip for a pint of milk.

I know one and another it's all my fault but I'm sick to death of that bloody car and can't wait until September when I get a new one.

In the meantime, it feels like my last link with the outside world has gone. I do now feel totally isolated.

Life, achievements and my cousin Barbara

My dear cousin Barbara has just recently celebrated her 55^th birthday and as she said, ‘my life is peaceful , I am content.’

Five children and grandchildren, what more could she want?

But Barbara had a dream, a goal to aim for and that was to pass her driving test. On the 16^th April I got a message saying she’s past her driving test the day before. Apparently she drove around everywhere, so happy with her achievement.

Around about the 20^th April she was taken into hospital where she died on the 5^th May.

Barbara and I used to sort of play together. The reason I say that is she remembers me kicking her with my walking plasters on or my ‘cripple boots’ as they were known then.

But after she found me on facebook a couple of years ago, we picked up where we left off and just filled in the details of over thirty years of not seeing each other.

I really can’t believe she’s gone but I will treasure her memory and always be grateful for the time we had together.

I always think grief is a selfish thing because it’s about us and not the person we grieve for, especially when illness etc, is the reason for that grief.

It’s been a hard couple of months, I’ve lost an uncle, a dear friend and now a very much loved cousin. Yes I grieve and yes I miss them dreadfully but aren’t I lucky that I knew them well enough to miss them so much.

Probably a very disjointed post and I’m sorry but some things hurt and at the moment – selfishly I’m hurting.

But to Barbara - I will always love you and I'll miss you but more than that - thank you for being part of my life.

xx

Happy birthday Mum

Today would have been my Mum's seventy fifth birthday. It's been a day of reflection, very much a day when I've missed her and I would give the world to give her a hug again. But I can't.

Today though, I've laughed at the memory of the things we did both together as two women but also as a family. She was and still is, very special and never a day goes by when I don't think of her, hear her voice and smile and yes there are still times I weep.

But I was lucking because she was my Mum and that is something I'm so proud of.

Mum and I in a swimming pool in Singapore.

So Mum, happy birthday.

All my love

Sue xx

Day three - did you know?

That a member of the Indonesian band Armageddon Holocaust claimed to be Bill Clinton?

That was my prompt for my short story today. The brief was to go to Wikipedia's front page (don't laugh) and select something from there to prompt a story.

Somehow I went from the Indonesian band Armageddon Holocaust to Mid Wales, rain, fifteen whiskies and Harry Secombe. I've written it, printed it off and put it in my folder to read next month but you know, I think this story works.

And a bit of useless information but in my story I have Harry Secombe singing the beautiful Welsh song Myfanwy the lyrics written by Richard 'Mynyddog' Davies.

Richard 'Mynyddog' Davies (Mynyddog being his bardic name) was born at Dolydan, Llanbrynmair in 1833.

The same house I was lucky enough to live in from October 2005 - February 2007.

Sadly though, whilst I was there I didn't write anything as memorable or as long lasting as the lyrics of Myfanwy.

Something different from Nano

I've completed the Nanowrimo challenge several times so I'm doing something different.  I'm trying to complete the 'Story a day' challenge for May. Okay I know it's only the second day of the month but I have written two new stories.

Yesterday's has possibilities but it definitely needs working on. The brief for that was keep it short and write a twelve hundred word story. I failed. I did over sixteen hundred but by the time all the rubbish has been taking out of it, it should be twelve - well that's what I'm saying anyway.

However, today's story was different and a challenge that I set myself. The brief was memories. That in itself was a challenge because I've got fifty years of them and while I was thinking about what to write, so many of them came flooding back. Some happy, some sad, some nondescript, you know the ordinary things that for some reason the mind won't let go of.

Finally I chose one that I don't really remember a lot about, not visual images anyway but I do remember the feelings I had, which is quite strange because the incident happened when I was a small child living in Llantwit Major in South Wales.

The Queen came to visit and when I saw she wasn't wearing her crown and the horses had stayed at home, I cried and cried. Mum said I cried for days because she was wearing a normal 'queenie' outfit and was in a black car. I think I vowed never to see her again but I have, not at my behest though, I promise you that.

The challenge I set myself was to write it in the first person as if it was happening now with me, as a small child. I had to cut out words that I use now because I wouldn't have used them then. I do know that I could talk for England and was quite advanced in my vocabulary and my thinking but, I don't know if I succeeded with my self imposed challenge with what I've written tonight.

I've printed it off and will look at it on June 2nd, a month after I wrote it and then I'll decide. Could be interesting but I enjoyed the experiment.

And just one thing on my advanced thinking. While we were living in Llantwit Major my Mum gave birth to my little brother Stephen and she was in hospital for quite a while, so Nana came down to help Dad look after us. Gillian and I were in the sitting room playing quietly and Nana with the experience of both motherhood and grandmotherhood, got a bit suspicious as to exactly what we were up to.

She came in and found Gillian stark naked on the sofa with me resting my hand on her tummy saying in my most reassuring voice. 'Don't worry Mrs you're baby won't be long.' I was four years old and obviously I had worked out that babies weren't delivered by the stork or found under gooseberry bushes.

Nana was horrified. My Dad, he burst out laughing.

So what did you do today?

Me I totally wimped out. Rain and cold play havoc with the arthritis so I stayed in, swallowed pain killers and stayed warm.

But Terri and Mike, two friends of mine from Lydbury North Writers went on an adventure. Yes, totally mad, but they did. Terri and Mike are Celts and they 'act out' life in the Iron Age and today, in the pouring rain they greeted a load of school children at Hell Gate on the Wrekin in full Iron Age garb. Actually Terri did say last night she was going to wear her walking boots and not her Iron Age sandals but in these conditions I don't blame her. Today she wore a long, heavy wool dress so I doubt the children noticed.

But I've been thinking about those children because although it was an adventure for Terri and Mike, it was an even bigger adventure for them. Image, climbing a hill and suddenly to be greeted by people for a time other than your own. Imagine them leading you on to a world you have no comprehension of. Imagine them taking you into their existence, no modern day comforts, not even a duvet to crawl under at night but the harsh realities of life in a hostile environment.

There is a magic in those time. A few years ago I went to Castell Henyllis in South Wales, with who was then, a very good, close friend and they too shared the magic of the place.

Terri and Mike have stayed there and I was talking to them last month and Terri said, one morning she woke up early and she could hear voices and singing in a language she didn't understand. My, perhaps ignorant interpretation is that the village came to life,' I don't know.

But with the magic we found at Castell Henyllis and I really hope the children found today on the Wrekin, we as writers need to learn that our thinking, our understanding and our acceptance of all possibilities doesn't stop at the top of our skulls. We have a whole universe to think in and unless it's used, it is wasted.

And despite the rain - I would love to have been up there with today stepping back into a time forgotten.

Finished Product

Last year I wrote a poem and put it on my blog but since then I've worked on so I thought, seeing as I'd put all that effort in, I would inflict the finished product on you.

When I’m An Old Woman

When I’m an old woman I’ll eat ratatouille

and my house will smell of garlic and onions with

the aroma of olive oil and empty bottles of red wine

and bleach, toilet cleaner, old perfume and loneliness.

But with failing hearing I shall hear the phone

because day in and day out I’ll long for it to ring.

I’ll chat to foreigners who want to sell me

life insurance, car insurance and holidays.

Then I’ll put the phone down and hear the silence.

And I’ll dust and polish spick and span surfaces -

must keep busy.

I’ll welcome Jehovah’s Witnesses with joy

because they’re a voice and someone to talk to,

then they’ll go leaving me unconverted

and the Watch Tower they give will be screwed up in the bin.

I will watch the kids playing in the street

and moan when the ball comes over the fence.

I’ll threaten to burst it with a garden fork

because I envy their youth and their energy.

Then when the darkness falls, I’ll pull the curtains closed

and pray and thank God for another day he’s spared me,

but he’ll know, I’m tired, I’m old and I’m a liar.

Weekend discovery

The one who talks behind your back is the one who can't look you in the face.

Threatened with a holiday!

Yep. My doctor has threatened me with a holiday courtesy of the National Health. We're now fighting what she calls probable infection with antibiotics which are equivalent to Napalm to keep me this side of the doors of the Royal Shrewsbury Hospital.

Not a happy bunny!

Psoriasis is a funny disease because often I don't really show any traces of it but when it flares up, it goes all guns blazing. Basically what happens is normally the skin cells take 21-28 days to renew themselves, with Psoriasis they go on the rampage and start doing it every 2-6 days and the skin flakes, peels off leaving immature skin underneath - ready to repeat the process.

And me being me have the added bonus of Psoriasis nails which means the skin underneath the nails goes crazy and pushes the nails away from the nail bed until they fall off. It's not nice to look at and it's sore and painful to have. But don't worry if I shake your hand - you won't get it because it's genetic and not contagious. But if you decline - I will understand.

There are various triggers for Psoriasis and mine is stress. It has been stressful the boys moving out but it's a good thing because we all get on much better now and it's lovely to look forward to seeing them. It's been stressful with the housing situation. I have moved out of the shed but am now living in the remnants of what used to be my family home and that's horrible and it's stressful not knowing when the situation will be rectified - unfortunately that's not down to me but down to bureaucracy that haven't a clue what they're doing.

It's been very stressful waiting for that knock on the door, the one I've been threatened with because of a certain action I took which I had no choice over. It's a long story and I'm not going to go into it but it's caused a lot of stress, pain and upset.

And now just to make matters worse - well do I pack a bag or not?

Hopefully these antibiotics will work because I certainly don't want to go back to the RSH after last time. So let's hope poorly paws and scabby Sue get back to some normality soon.

Yes you've guessed it - a bit down today and the weather well that certainly hasn't helped either.

Ultimate betrayal

It would be nice to think that when times are hard and stress levels are at their maximum that those closest to you would offer you their support but this never happens with me. And recently this has been proved yet again.

Hey Sue - you're on your own.

Despite everything that is going on I'm trying to give up or at least cut down on smoking. I've lost count the number of times I've tried before and failed but I've always hung on to the never give up trying theory.

But today - it was the ultimate betrayal.

I popped into the kitchen and came back to find this....

The computer having a crafty cigarette!

Writers, artists and emotions

As writers and artists are we afraid to show our emotions through our work? I know some writers who are and some who aren't. I fall into the latter category and have often sat at my computer sobbing over the keyboard.

Today I've been rewriting and revising my novel and I've been focusing on the aftermath of Tina's husband death. That time she stood at his graveside as an empty shell and let all her love pour into the coffin, leaving her with nothing. But you know I haven't written it as well as I know I can because some emotions, feelings I'm a bit scared to revisit.

Recently I lost someone close to me and the grieving process has been incredibly difficult and although I'm not there yet , I know I will be one day and the sights, sounds and memories will make me smile, not sigh when I remember them.

So Tina, I am sorry and I will get it right soon.

Wrekin Writers and Kindle Publishing and a big thank you to Bryan Vaughan

It was good to go back to Wrekin Writers yesterday and to see so many old friends and yes, it did confirm that I should never have left in the first place. However, there was sadness too because of events that have taken place since I last went. I really do hope issues can be resolved so the sadness will be lifted.

Yesterday Bryan Vaughan did a presentation on Kindle Publishing. His own book Taken (The Roxy Harker Chronicles) is available on to download on Kindle from Amazon and believe me it is well worth a read. The presentation did get a bit complicated, probably mainly due to the fact he didn't have a projector but used his laptop but since then Bryan had supplied us all with a copy of his presentation to read through at our leisure.

But there two things that really struck yesterday morning and they had nothing to do with the actual 'mechanics' of uploading your book on to Kindle but it was the author himself.

Bryan has a firm belief in not only his book but his ability as an author to write what is a damn good story. I first read Taken several years ago in one of its earlier drafts and enjoyed it then but it did need work doing on it. Between then and now he's honed, cut, polished and crafted his book and he's never given in or lost that belief in his work or himself.

I really admire that because I've done exactly the opposite. I've written lots of 'good stuff' and left it to fester on the computer which although many don't realise, it has caused me immense frustration to the point of almost paralysis. That's not an excuse - that's a statement. Hence the reason Bryan's work is out there being read and mine still sits on the hard drive.

And that brings me to the second thing that struck me. Bryan did say 'I want my work to be read.' God those words have echoed around in my head ever since. I don't know how many times I've said that or even more often, how many times I've thought it. I know the buzz of seeing your name in print. I know the thrill a writer gets when someone says 'I enjoyed that,' and I know the frustration of trying to get it right and even worse the frustration of not even trying.

Kindle Publishing is an exciting innovation for writers because it gives the opportunity to get your work out there. Yes there is and will be a lot of dross (don't get me started on The Hidden Prince but the price should have given the joke away in the first place and I know the word gullible isn't in the dictionary) but I do believe that through Kindle Publishing the good writers will succeed and who knows the next JK Rowling could be uploading their work to Kindle at this very moment.

A big thank you from me to Bryan for yesterday and I really do wish him well with his book and look forward to reading his next. And to all other writers out who are like me have been paralysed by the weight of words buried deep in the 'cesspit' of their hard drive - don't let it rot, give it another read - you never know what you might find.

And failing that bum on seat - I think I need to spend time in Tumbles Forge again.

Silence

The day Robin was born

Well my sons have fled the nest and it is so quiet around here. There are no size elevens clumping down the stairs and no 'Muuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmm' and do I miss them - yes. Last night was the first night I've spent in this house totally on my own but Dan did arrive at about ten this morning and I've seen Chris and Robin today.

I called into their home last night to drop some stuff off and they had the fire going, friends around and it was a happy place, warm and comfortable and I was happy for them.

So big changes have taken place.

Today I've taken it easy. I've done a bit of scribbling but no real writing but now it's my time to do what I have to do and I will - hey I've got no excuse now other than having the luxury of watching telly in bed.

Fun, games and poorly paws

The big move should be happening this weekend. The lads have just about finished decorating downstairs, they've faced the reality of sorting out bills etc, and the rent has been paid. For a couple of weeks they'll be almost camping there but soon they should have it sorted and finally have their own home.

It's a lovely house with French doors leading out into onto a patio which catches the sun in the evening. Plans are already afoot for a beer fridge and they've claimed the patio furniture. They're not moving miles away just literally over the side of Clunbury Hill but in some senses it feels like it. When one leaves home, there is a gap, when all three go at the same time, it leaves a bloody great crater. But, I am happy for them and as long as the lovely Marion from Tuffins (our local supermarket) still speaks to me, I know they're all right, she's their next door neighbour.

The poorly paws bit, well the stress, hassle, frustration and upset over the past few weeks and months have taken their toll. The dreaded Psoriasis has flared up to probably a new increased level. Scabby is probably an understatement. I'm seriously thinking of getting a hand bell and go round yelling 'unclean.'

Psoriatic nails too don't help because they just fall off and leave sore skin behind and the other side well they're cracking and bleeding

Hopefully once the lads are settled and I've got somewhere to live, this will ease off and we'll all find a new and exciting normality.

I am really thrilled for and proud of my sons

Give them the keys to their own house and suddenly I have three Laurence Llewelyn Bowens on my hands.

They got the keys for their house in Clungunford late Thursday afternoon, Friday morning they were down there with paint, rollers, music and beer and began their marathon session.




Thursday afternoon the front room looked like this.







But by Saturday afternoon it looked so much better. They've completely painted the front room, the hall and stairs and put a coat of paint over a 'feature' wall in two bedrooms.





I am thrilled for them, they have a new home to share and to start living their own lives and working together they have achieved so much. The big move will actually happen next weekend and then I shall start making ratatouille.

Be happy Chris, Dan and Robz, I am proud of you, I love you and I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Changes

Wow what a difference!

Last week Clunbury Hill looked like this. I had workman laying a garden path, stripped to the waist, drinking copious amounts of water and tea and getting sunburnt.


This week is looks completely different. It's covered in snow and I doubt if the workman would be stripped to the waist today, it's cold, windy and wet.

Changes are part of life, some we make of our own free will and others we have choice over but just have accept.

In the next few weeks there will be major changes for my family. My three sons are leaving home, moving out en masse. And although I've spent years moaning about them and at them, we've also spent years laughing together and I shall miss them. They're only going down the road and will sharing a house but they won't be coming home in the evening after work. I shall miss Chris and his Wendy - isms as he calls them. Wendy is a woman he works with that he often quite amusing by what she says.

I shall miss Dan, talking to me, before he opens the front door, talking about his day, what he's done to which caravan and who said what.

And Robz, he comes in and talks about his supervisor who he can't stand and also he moans about the price of petrol, seeing as now he's got his own car.

But I've been an always there Mum for nearly twenty nine years and it's time we all moved on and my sons have the space and freedom to live their lives and as I said to Robz last night, when he moaned about me always worrying, what I don't know about I can't worry about.

I do wish them well and I hope they'll make the best of the opportunity they've got and hey maybe one day, at least one of them might make me a grandmother - I'm feeling a bit left out, most of my friends are grandparents.

For me too, there is going to be change. I shall have to get used to the silence but it also means that I have to make my own life too.

One of the changes I'm making is I'm going back to Wrekin Writers. I was talking to someone briefly the other week and they made me realise that I'd make a serious error of judgement in leaving and I'm going to put that right. I have always missed the group and I know that I have to say sorry to the committee for leaving the way I did and for causing them all unnecessary work and hassle but I will do that willingly. This isn't a backward step, it is part of moving forward and putting my life in order and who knows what is around the corner.

Weird

During November I took part in the Nanowrimo Challenge (and completed it) to write 50,000 words of a novel. However, I did sort of cheat because I didn't have a plot because I already knew the outline and the story is a fictionalised version and my interpretation of my Nana's life.

I did post about her but I had objections from members of the family so I removed the post but that's immaterial now, although, those who know me will understand I wasn't happy about it.

Anyway in telling this story I introduced characters I had no idea about but to me, they fitted. But the weird thing is, I was talking to a family member who I haven't spoken to since I was a child and one of the characters I introduced actually almost fitted the sort person she'd heard about who played an important part in my Nana's life.

Now I'm not a psychic in any way, my door jamb has more sensitivity than me but it got me thinking and I feel it also confirmed this story has to be told. My Nana lived a life. She was an amazingly strong and courageous woman, yet in her life time she was scorned for what she did and how she lived. If she was a young woman today society wouldn't think twice about how she lived or what she did.

Now, maybe through my story, my lovely Nana will finally be accepted. I hope so.

Lydbury North Writers

Wow what a fantastic evening. Seven of us gathered in a room at the back of the Powis Arms in Lydbury North and shared writing, did on the spot writing and all to the sounds of a jam session going on in the bar.

I'm really looking forward to next month's meeting but in the meantime in two weeks time, there is another jam session taking place and I've got the loan of a guitar. I haven't played in years but I'm determined to give it my best shot.

There is still a lot of bad things going on in my life but I think to rise above it, I need to start living a life again and doing things just for me. Tonight is just a start.

Oh and the writing - well....

On the spot writing tonight one title was vision.

Here goes

‘I spy with my little eye.’

The voice said from the back of the car

‘Are we nearly there yet Mum?’

‘No, we’ve not got far.’

‘I said I spy with my little eye’

‘Shut your gob us Chris.’

‘Don’t speak to me like that Dan.’

‘Mum, Rob wants a piss.’

‘Chris is taking up too much room

There’s hardly any room for me.’

‘Will you lot stop the fighting

‘Cos I need a large G and T.’

These memories are now a thing of the past

Because now I have it sort

If they don’t drive or ride a bike

I make the buggers walk.

Kindlised my computer

Dangerous I know but what a relief. Now I can read reference books, how to books etc, without having to move from my computer. I can type exercises out without worrying about balancing book and machine or trying to read my handwriting as it gets progressively worse.

Freedom!!!!!!

One happy bunny